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I can't believe I went there!!

As I sat on my bed through the night...
yes, one of those nights you can't sleep...

While I waited to get sleepy I did some meditation, chanting, trying to figure out my feelings, emotions, and decisions I must take...

I quit smoking April 12th, 2008...and two weeks ago I grabbed one and smoked for the first time in almost 5 years, to say the least I called my Dr and back on the Chantyx, which is the reason why I could not sleep, those pills give me nightmares or vivid dreams if, and when I fall asleep, but I have been craving the cigs here and there and I really don't want to go there again!!

Something I know I have is a strong will and determination...I know I will get through this...but I can't believe I weakened to that point, that I was so stressed, or down that I went to the point of grabbing a cigarette after so long, why a cigarette and not a joint?  geeez!!!

Another thing that has been on my mind:

I am giving up dating all together...

Giving myself a while to get focus, to heal first of all.  In all honesty I didn't think the breakup was going to hurt me and affect as much as it has.
I really can't give another person any type of attention while in my mind and heart the Dutch still lingers.
It would be misleading, and I am forcing myself to do something I don't want to do just because I want to fill that void that has been there for a while, because I feel lonely, and I have been alone for so very long.

Although I did not get any sleep, I did get to sort out some ideas, I did tons of thinking, writing (I love my notebooks), made a menu for the week, prepared my clothes for the morning, took a shower, I wanted to blog...but didn't want to sit in front of a computer, I wanted me time, thinking time, get in touch with myself, and I did.

I am exhausted this morning!
I even fell at the gas station, I think my ego was more hurt than my knee!
hehe, shit that happens to me huh?
AND no! the heels had nothing to do with it!
I'm a pro walking on those babies, but for some odd reason my balance has been off...and feeling very weak...



Wishing everyone a wonderful Thirsty Thursday!
Almost Friday!!!!

Sincerely Yours
Aluv




Comments

WoW MaMa said…
oh god take care of you sexy leg

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