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Thoughts outloud...Rambles, Confused

if you get to read this and you notice i am all over the place, WARNING!! i am ADHD, i have tons of shit going on in my head and just need to sort them out!!

1.  I went on a date...I wrote about my experience HERE 
total disaster! 
I don't pick up the phone when he calls, his texts are ignored, totally!! 
you would think he is getting the hint...so he calls private! are you kidding me?  Serious dude?  When he asked me what was wrong, that he would like to see me again, blah blah, to give him another chance, I couldn't say no....I told him ok, setting him up for more failure, but I think what I have to say to him must be done in person, he needs a few tips so in the future he doesn't make such mistakes.
Not giving the guy hopes by accepting to meet up with him for a date, but on the real, he needs to know where he went wrong, I am sure I am not the first girl he does that shit to!

2.  guy from the UK, writing to me, saying how much I look like his dead wife, and how impressed he is, I don't know what to think of the entire ordeal, to me is just one big CATFISH!! 
he wants to introduce a possibility between him and I, so I plain and simple just put it on his lap "I want, I need a dominant man in my life" I know what I am in search of and I am not going to settle for anything less...he tells me that I hurt him (WHAT?) oook!!!
he says we are meeting before April...I have yet to see that.

I don't want to fall in love, well, I do, but at this moment I am scared, of trusting, of just the commitment itself.
I want it, I can taste it, I desire it, I wish to be loved, needed, wanted, taken, but I am scared.

Vulnerable but at the same time I am just putting guys on blast, they try to talk to me but when they move their lips and whatever air comes out their mouth does not mean shit to me.  I don't believe in anything they have to say, or even offer.

When did I ever get to this point?

I just want to have sex, go a bit crazy, but not even close to that, I can't even bring myself to it...what is wrong with me?
and I want it! but when the moment is near I back out, I've had my chances, but I back out, one way or another the guy will do or say something that will turn me off and that's it (you done fucked up your chances for great, tight pussy, a blowjob that will blow your mind, and great sex)

I have some serious issues to work through!
Where to begin?


Sincerely Yours
Aluv

Comments

Anna May said…
There is nothing wrong with you. Dating is a crazy experiences for sure.

I have found men that are ether married, separated, just divorced...none wanting more then just a good time...get their feet wet per say.

Then because I am a single mother there are guys that probably would be fabulous but they have nothing to tie them down, so do not understand I don't have a lot of free time.

So, I have gotten to the point of saying fuck or be fucked...just riding the wave at this time, realizing I am never ever going to find what I want.

You will get there, and never settle for anything less then the best. It will take a lot of frogs before you find the right Dom.

Uma said…
I think Anna is spot on. You dont need to be so significant about this. Be proud of who you are and play the waiting game. Goal should be to have fun!
Desireous said…
Oh my God I can so relate! I am going through the same feelings of wanting to fall in love but being scared to death of trusting anyone again and trying to find dominants isn't all that easy either. It really limits the playing field which is a real drag!
AtiyaLuv said…
@Anna
riding the wave for the moment! :) thinking of fucking instead of getting fucked, just so hard to find the right candidate!

@Uma
it gets lonely at times :( want to be held you know, and yes, I am proud for waiting, not gonna settle for less than what i deserve!

@Desireous
it is soooo hard!!!
and the good ones are taken!! helluuur what is a single girl to do?
and the options we have!! which are slim to none!!

Aluv

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Sincerely Yours Aluv