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Am I really submissive?

I am wondering if I am or not...I also wonder if I would make a good/great submissive one day, and at times I think the answer is NO!

Reading/lurking so many blogs and seen what the slaves/subs go through, the challenges they face, and the pain they can handle (the masochists of course), really makes me wonder if I could handle the lifestyle.

According to my first and only Master the answer 'was' YES.
I love to please
obedient
did as I was told when I was told...
devoted, respectful, and loved him unconditional
I was a good slave to him, but makes me wonder if I could have this type of relationship with anyone else.

I am not a masochist...and I think it is because of all the times I got my ass whooped as a child, with belts, shoes, tree branches, and any other object my mother or grandfather would find to throw at me (this was discipline..and it worked!), you would think this would make me tolerant to pain, but in reality I just became scared of getting hit and pain itself.
In contradiction to what I just wrote, even though I am not into pain I am into the idea of spanking, don't know what it is about this act, the thought of it makes me feel so submissive.
I am open to idea of exploring and trying out things and see where I stand (limits)

Having a strong character, having to count on myself most of my life to solve all of my issues, not trusting anyone to take care of my affairs, if I do/did allow someone to take over or control over something you best believe I am going to be checking making sure it is done right, and of course, fixing up anything that is not meeting my standards.
I am feisty!! yup! I am Latina and I come with a loaded mouth, and an attitude (at times), push my buttons and that's it! and you can tell once my English and Spanish are crossing.  I know this is one of my biggest faults and at times one of my biggest virtues.
I read how some Masters speak to their subs and I only think...damn, if I was her I would have dentures by now and probably on my third pair, because he would've made me swallowed the other two by now. ouch...that's where my mouth would get me in trouble...you may own me, all I am, and everything I will be and call me slut, whore in bed, but outside of it, I am your lady above all, I represent you!!

Although giving up control is a challenge I know is not impossible because I did it for about 3 years, it was long distance, communication was via Second Life, texts, emails, IM's and I can count the times we I used the webcam (forgot he tried once-and of course convinced me it was disconnected, something went wrong with it, even doing voice with him was a challenge, that should have raised some red flags way back then *sighs*) sorry, got backtracked there for a moment...
what I was trying to say is....been that the relationship was long distance, and I think I took my slave role more serious than he took his role as Dominant/Master, the thought alone that he owned me, that I had given up control to him and he could just say jump and I would just ask "how high my Master?" was thrilling, was a rush, made me eager, I craved for him, for his dominance, his ownership, pleasing him, making him happy each and everyday, even though our relationship was more vanilla, mentally he was Master, i was slave.

I was in love
and maybe that is why I so compliant, willing to do anything and everything for him, but did that make me a submissive?

I know how I felt, what I felt, how my body reacted at the thought of it, then again, I go back to thinking what it is I am looking for...D/s with a secret in the bedroom, that only him and I (and blog land) would know about (that is private enough LOL)

Too bad this is something I can't just research about, Google or Wiki, they are my feelings and they need to be sorted out.
I am single so this is a great time to do so.  I also chose to be celibate until I find the right person in my life, not such a hard task for me *grins*
the celibacy thing is not something I have a set time, so I can break this any given time, hehe, just putting it out there!

I have some submissive soul searching to do!


Sincerely Yours
Aluv



Comments

Florida Dom said…
Good luck as you soul search and decide what is right for you.

FD
AtiyaLuv said…
thank you FD, I appreciate that very much
Anna May said…
I know how you feel, I question my submissive alot...like you I have always had to rely on me. I don't know how to rely on anyone else. I am feisty (I attribute that to my tad Irish and petiteness ) I like being right, I am overly opinionated, I am a smart ass...all traits that are not very submissive but yet when I am with the right person...it clicks, and I just want to give and make said person happy. I feel whole and at peace.

I have come to the conclusion that ones submissive needs to be feed, in order for it to come out in all of its glory, and just not any one who claims to be Dom will do, it has to be the one.

I hope that helps a little.
Hedone said…
Being submissive has nothing to do with being a masochist. Yes, the two can be a part of the same person but just because you are not one does not mean you are not the other.

Btw...many submissives are strong, self-aware woman.

Continue to research, understand your thoughts and needs. Remember there is no one way to serve or be submissive. A D/s relationship is based on the needs, wants of the parties involved.

For me I am submissive but only to the confident, healthy-minded, intelligent man that brings that out and honors hus committment.

-H
Rahul Kapoor said…
Hey Aluv,

Being submissive is, in reality, about exploring your self. The Dom is the medium, who adroitly takes you through that self-discovery.... Really, thats what a genuine d/s relationship is all about. Of course, you have sprinklings of kink added for flavor, but the real dish is your uninhibited self... !!!

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