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I quit!

In 2009 I quit smoking, I can't say it was hard, challenging but not hard.  The hardest moments came after.

When things ended with my Master I sorta took up smoking here and there and quit again.  I didn't do it long enough to become a habit or part of the routine, and it also made me realize how much I hated the smell, the taste but most of all how embarrassed I get when others would see me smoking.

I didn't enjoy the smell or the after taste but I loved me a cigarette each time I went to the bathroom, needless to say I became constipated when I quit, it became so bad I ended up having colon hydrotherapy to get me back on track.
Most people gain weight when they quit, that was not my case, it was another routine to have a cigarette after a meal and that was the best feeling ever!  Even before I was done eating I was already thinking of my first drag, how I knew that cigarette was going to be the finishing touch to a great meal
Another thing I had to do was to disconnect my home phone and resort to texting for a while because it was also another smoking ritual, to me  Phone + Cigarette = relaxation

When I was going through my personal hell not long ago I also fell off the wagon and smoked a few times until one day for one reason or another my Master asked "are you smoking?"  the funny thing is that I wasn't smoking in that particular moment, I felt so guilty for the few times I slipped, hiding it from him when in fact he knows everything there is to know and what goes on, I felt like shit and still do because this is the way he is going to find out...ouchies

Lately I have been feeling edgy, uneasy, and desiring a drag, I don't want to do it, I am trying my best not to go there and before it would happen I went to my Dr and acquired the pills that helped me quit, Chantix!
I am totally against the pills but I need them, I don't want to take up on smoking again and needless to say I don't want to slip again.  Reminding myself how bad it is for my health, how nasty it smells and most of all how embarrassed I am to be seen doing it.  Nope I am not going to say because I will save money, because when one is into a habit money is no issues at all

People always said I was not a true smoker because I could hold off for long periods of time, I would not smoke in the car with people in it, never smoked around children, if I was out with non-smokers I wouldn't smoke, I didn't like smoking in my house, and I also didn't smell like a smoker, most people didn't believe it when they would find out.

I do well with most of the temptations around me, saw myself slipping and not taking any chances, I took control of the situation, weighted out what was best for me, how I could help myself and doing it, but I can't help but feel disappointed that after all this years I am struggling with it again, when I thought I was in the clear a bad moment, anxiety, nervousness can lead me to desire a cigarette.

shame shame

Sincerely Yours


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