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Back to square one

Sitting at a home depot parking lot contemplating, thinking, reflecting, wondering and going back to the last years of my life.  Each time finding myself going back even further trying to find the root or roots to my problems, encountering the same  situations that to me seem to be dejavu.

I am 42 years old, I should be at my prime, at my highest, living life, enjoying myself, financially secured, enjoying the benefits of all the hard work I have put throughout the years, be stable, organized, constant, applied, maybe I don't want to admit it but I should also add responsible. 
However, I am not even close to owning up to any of the qualities I mentioned above, instead I am living life like a gypsy, staying with a friend and sleeping on a mattress, on the floor because her sons' bed is too high (a bunk bed without a bottom bed).
She approached me, made me an offer I couldn't refuse, it was better than the campsite I was staying at, I have to admit, camping is fun but is only good for a while, it was becoming expensive, and was always scared because I was hiding my cat (no pets allowed)
We came to an agreement and although she makes me feel comfortable and at home I know is not really my own, I feel I am in the way, not wanting to invade her personal space, I stay most of the time in the room or go out, staying out as late as possible, I am just trying to be out her way so her life and her routines are as normal as they used to be.  Various times she has brought to my attention how this is a big change for her, how she is used to been alone, but she has to adjust because she needs the help as much as I do.

How did I end up here, again?
A circle, is a darn circle

After my separation things went a bit out of control, specially when it came to the money situation, I had help, and suddenly I was left with all the responsibilities.
I moved a few times, I lived in a very expensive state and area, rent getting raised each time lease was due and having to move once again because I couldn't afford such high costs.
It is sickening how much people have to pay for rent this days, it is usually 50% or more of our income, it is ridiculous!

But I can't just blame the high cost of living.
I have to face the fact I am not good at handling money, budgeting.  I live for the moment and paycheck to paycheck, bad at saving, but responsible for making my payments and taking care of my debts.  It is something I learned not long ago.
My x-husband handled my income, he used to take a cut out of my paycheck for bills and the rest was for me, aside from the daily budget of 20 bucks he used to give me. 
Come to think of it, I had it made, had tons of shoes - one of my passions, perfumes, purses, and life was good.  But there is more to life than material things and money, there was no love, we were more like roommates and I felt we were too young to live life like that.  I wanted to be happy and wanted the same for him.
He found happiness and I am still searching for mine.

To find a bit of help I began to make things to sell and opened an etsy site, that didnt last long, why?  FEAR
I've been given the tools in life to do thinhs yet I can't seem to get things off the ground, out of FEAR.
Maybe fear of failure
Fear of obstacles and situations that maybe I am stressing even before they happen.  The thing is that I start, fear kicks in and I hold back in many ways. 
I have also been given the opportunity to go into business with other people and I say "sure", somehow the business talk stops, probably they notice I show no interest so the subject gets dropped.

I need to learn to take risks.  As I get older I should become more courageous, the only thing I have acquired is the ability to say how I feel, no filter, talk about expressing myself!
I am definitely not afraid of change and I am easily adaptable to situations.
Why the fear?

Ive been blogging for a bit, on and off...I like to read back on my posts and see how I have improved and what has changed. 
I notice that my story keeps repeating.
I do well for a bit and things go sour, I pick myself up and after a while the same thing happens again.  I speak of change, I sound so motivated, woohoo!  Lets do this!!! Yeah...
here it comes, lack of interest, procrastination, once again that little word and feeling "fear", a combination of all, and I go back to square one.
I complaint, feel sorry for myself, boohoo!! Are you kidding me??

As soon as I feel shaky grounds I freeze, and I often walk away.
And I know that I can do it, and succeed, with patience, perseverance, and not expecting things to happen from one day to another.
I know this, why can't I apply it?

At this moment my priority is finding an apartment, something within my budget and that doesn't go up every year.
That is my focus.  My cat is about to have surgery next week and I can actually find a place where they will accept him (he needs to be fixed), after that I should be all set, but before I can do that I have to save the money to do so.

I have also taken the steps to start a budget but I found myself kinda of taking in and making commitments I shouldn't make knowing in the situation I am in.
Which brings me to the next problem I am trying to address, and I believe it ties into the saving money and fixing my money situation.

Say NO!
Many of my money issues comes from the inability to say no.
Just last week I gave my son $80 and loan $100 to another person.  Will I see that money back?  I think not.
I know that next time I get paid I will get a call asking to see if more money can be borrowed.
But I am ready.  Ready to say NO!
Those $180 could have gone to pay my car or insurance. 
I have gone out of my way to pay people's cell phone so they can find a job (and they did) but sometimes kindness turns into responsibility and then expectations.
Not until I sat down to budget and take notes where the money is going it is when I realized that I was giving away monthly at least $300 - $400. 
Since I am outspoken and now I have opened my eyes it is time to say no, I've had an issue with this in the past, I like to help and when I see people in certain situations and I can help I am all up for it.  But I have been putting my needs aside for someone else to meet theirs.
I can't do this anymore.
A friend said to me that is like trying to save someone who is drowning, you can help, but don't ever jump in to try to save them because in the end they will take you down with them.

I find it challenging at this moment trying to make this changes, doing things for me and myself because it is not what I am used to.
I am the one people call when in need, and although I find kindness and love in all of them and it is something that comes from within I also have to stop and think how it is all affecting me, and how if I can't even help myself at this pount, how can I help or try to help anyone else.
For the past 3 weeks I've been running around doing things and helping others, helping , going out of my way, even when I am tired because I can't say no, or I feel bad.

Not long I started to take responsibility for my oldest daughter and taking the load of the current issues that she has been facing, even making them my own to the point I was not sleeping and getting stressed out, until a friend pointed out that my duaghter is 26, a grown up, an adult that should learn from her mistakes and take responsibilities for her own actions.  What I should be doing is giving her my support and let her know that I will always be there for her but she should fix her own problems instead of me enabling her, and I am proud to say that I did just that.
Because she is my daughter I felt compelled, even obligated to do all I could, she asked, I was willing to go above and beyond for my child.
I stepped back, I am not getting involved and it seems that she doesn't need my help as much as I thought since she doesn't call me or even includes me, I am usually finding things out through other parties.
I was worried, stressing and then I cam across a quote:
"I wonder how much of what weighs me down is not mine to carry"

One lesson learned.

Today I have spent the day lounging in the car, from parking lot to parking lot, running away from people and phone calls.
Listening to music, relaxing, and working on my fears
Admitting to them was the first step, the next will be to face them and work through them.

I also need to find an outlet to help me with it all, writing and music always helped. 
I should give that a try once again.

Well, I think I am done with my ranting and feeling much better.
Is almost 8pm so I think I should start heading back to my temporary room.

Maybe this time will be the one.
The one that will actually turn everything around - the turning point
*sighs

Comments

C Stag said…
hey lady…
it is definitely a case of easier said than done…
but the only way you can truly fail… is if you do not try.

I thought the Etsy thing was a great idea. How can you go wrong with that scenario. You have a store, and it people by things from you… you get money for your efforts. If they don't… you have no overhead, no actual store, right?
Am I missing something ?

If you are paying less living in your current situation… then you simply have to save the money. You have to make a positive out of the negative. Stop giving away your hard earned money. If the people you are giving it to, can't see the situation you are in… then they don't want to see it. They don't care that you are living somewhere you don't want to live… struggling to make ends meet and struggling to find a life you enjoy. You have to start there… by stopping. Stop giving your money away. When someone asks you for money… say… oh, no… I am sorry… I was going to ask YOU for money. Especially if they already owe you from before. Say to them you were going to ask them… for the money you lent them earlier.

I know. Easier said than done. You've lived in a camp site, you've lived in a car… you're a survivor. You do whatever it takes. You worked (or work) multiple jobs. You have to come first in the equation. Your happiness and health are most important, or you really can't help anyone else. Try to put yourself first. Try to save. At the very least, you need PT (Personal Time)… and personal space to enjoy that personal time. We all need a place to call home. You deserve that at the very least. Make it happen. Save for it. Then make it happen.
Do your best for yourself… everyone else, and everything else… will have to take care of itself.

I wish you well. I will keep you in my prayers. Take a chance on yourself. Take a risk on yourself. You are worth the risk. It's time to stop worrying about others and putting others before yourself. Your time is now.

Peace!

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